If You Give a Man a Musket
If you give a man a country
He’ll want a Constitution to go with it.
So you’ll get your Founding Fathers to write something filled with big ideas
And all the best rights.
But since they’re not omniscient time travelers,
There’ll be a lot of room for interpretation.
Once the man reads the rights laid out, he’ll want a musket to go with them.
So you’ll drag out your documents and spend a century and a half debating the meaning of the phrase well-regulated militia and the definition of the word infringe.
And while you’re busy fighting over semantics,
The man will buy a musket.
And another
And another.
And when they’re all gone
He’ll ask you for a shotgun.
“For hunting?” you’ll ask.
He’ll say, “Sure.”
And when he says “Sure,” you’ll say, “OK, but we need some rules.”
When you mention background checks,
He’ll stomp his feet and run to his friend,
Who likes to scream and shout and pays off the friends who do make the rules.
So the man gets a shotgun.
If you give a man a shotgun,
He’ll want a handgun to go with it.
“Are you crazy?” you’ll say
And he’ll chant “U.S.A!” and scream about self-defense.
And when he does that, a Supreme Court decision will come down
Which wraps handguns into the 2nd Amendment.
“Ok, then, let’s try and work together,” you’ll say.
“You’ll have to wait until you’re 21, and maybe you should lock it up at home.”
And when you do that, he’ll thrown a tantrum on the floor and cry to his Friend who will tell all HIS friends to send you death threats online.
So the man gets a handgun.
If you give a man a handgun,
He’ll want a concealed carry permit to go with it.
“Jesus, really?” you’ll say.
“Fine, then how about licenses and some training,
How about safety classes and better background checks so we can keep guns out of…”
But you can’t even finish your sentence because
Apparently your inalieanble rights aren’t as important as his 2nd Amendment.
You’ll waste years pointing out that nowhere in that original document do the words immediate or unfettered appear.
In the meantime a sneaky fox will come with a bag full of lies.
He’ll spread the lies far and wide like seed
And since critical thinking is at an all time low
The seeds take root and blossom into a great tree of paranoid conspiracy.
So the man gets a concealed carry permit.
If you give a man a concealed carry permit
He’ll want an assault rifle to go with it.
“No way,” you say, “those are military weapons not meant for civilian use.”
And you’ll put your foot down,
And when you put your foot down, he’ll scream about tyranny and Big Brother and government control.
He’ll drag out the checklist of talking points his bully friend gave him, which will be scrutinized.
And while the talking points are being scrutinized,
People start will start arguments over words like assault and semi-automatic,
kill rate and bullets per second.
And while people are arguing over semantics and how fun target shooting is,
The number of gun deaths climb.
And when the number of deaths skyrocket,
A woman writes a bill which bans assault weapons.
And during those ten years the number of gun deaths go down.
Because yes machetes kill but it’s a lot harder.
And because, duh.
And while the ban is in place they start to research the effects of gun violence.
But when they start to release some findings
The bully and the fox team up and say
No, you can’t study that anymore because
THEY WANT OUR GUNS!!!!
So you’ll say, “No we don’t, Look right here, you already have:
Revolvers
Shotguns
Hunting rifles
Handguns
Concealed Carry
Open Carry
But when you do, the bully just keeps shouting
RIGHTS! THEY WANT OUR GUNS! COLD, DEAD HANDS!
And while the bully keeps screaming
You’ll waste time explaining how none of the things you’re suggesting actually infringe upon anyone’s right to own a gun.
And while you’re wasting time explaining what it all means
The ban expires and research is suspended and
There’s a lot of hand wringing and thinking and praying.
And while the old, white guys are thinking and praying,
Churches and movie theaters and malls start getting shot up.
And when more places start to get shot up with assault weapons,
More people start bleeding out.
And when more people start bleeding out, organs crushed like overripe melons, the man comes up with a plan.
More guns!
Everybody should have a gun!
Like an Oprah Winfrey give-away.
And when he starts to shout that more guns make us safe,
You’ll pull out statistics and facts and pictures of dead first graders and high schoolers and remind him for the millionth time that you’re not trying to take all the guns.
And when you remind him you’re not trying to take all the guns,
He’ll blame mental health and video games
And buy more guns.
And when he buys more guns,
You’ll point out the rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
When you point out that, he’ll point out the eagle tattooed on his bicep.
And so the man gets nearly unfettered access to weapons meant for war.
And if you give a man unfettered access to weapons meant for war
It’s only a matter of time before there are men
who use them to kill wives and neighbors and people in a movie theatre
and people at prayer and at work and kids at school.
And eventually when there are enough dead bodies
the school children who are cannon fodder in a game of interpretation will rise up and scream #NotOneMore.
And when #NotOneMore forces a long overdue conversation,
People will start demanding a ban.
And when enough people start demanding a ban,
The man will say, “Ok, maybe we can do a few tiny, little things like ban bump stocks.”
But by the time the man says, “Ok, maybe we can do a few tiny, little things like ban bump stocks,” it’s too late.
Too many ghosts of school children past will rise and shake their chains in a crescendo of #ENOUGH.
Because chances are, if you give the man an inch,
the killing will never stop.
